your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
