We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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