I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
