life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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