So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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