I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
