I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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