of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
