I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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