Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
