There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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