you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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