please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
