I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
