My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
