I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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