guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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