I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
