Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
