Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
