For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
