I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
