Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
