i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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