Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
