he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
