did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't put those talents on a resume
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
