Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
