You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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