Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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