this beer tastes like vomit already
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
They took my balls.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
