i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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