ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
