apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
