if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
