I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
