everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
