watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
