I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
