and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
