No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
