He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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