Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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