I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
