I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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