Will you blow on my dice?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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