Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
