I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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