Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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