you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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