Barsexuality is the new black.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
